So I know I should know better than to actually try to explain myself to anyone. No one gets it cause no one wants to get it. Everyone would rather live in a happy normal world were violence and rape don’t happy and especially where they don’t happen to a 2 year old. Yet they do happen, they happened to ME. And I am tired of being quiet about it, I am tired of keeping my silence in order to make other people feel more comfortable.
My whole life I have been made to feel ashamed of who I was and what had happened to me. Through a miracle of therapy I have finally come to a place in my life where I don’t feel so fragile and broken. I feel I have a view point that matters and hope I can help others. That’s why I am here, it isn’t just for me, it’s to help other people too.
If you have never been broken or abused I don’t expect you to understand my experiences, it’s hard enough for me to understand them and I was there. Yes, I don’t deny that some of my experiences were of my own choosing, I made mistakes and hurt people along the way. I never meant to hurt anyone I just wanted to stop hurting myself. I was so fixated on me and my own pain that I couldn’t see passed the moment. There was no future there was just my past and I was reliving it daily.
So yes I let my pain get to me so badly that I latched on to the first person who said they wanted to make the pain go away. Yes, that man was married and had kids. Yes I had an affair with him. There is no real excuse for any of it and nothing I can say or do will unmake those choices or take back my actions. I would if it were possible. I am haunted by the fact that I hurt people, I have been hurt so often by other people that the idea of contributing to anyone elses pain makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t make amends to those I hurt, they don’t want my apologizes so instead I am trying to help other people to understand how experiences like mine effect you, so they can get the help they need.
Sorry if this is incoherient and run on. I am a bit emotional at the moment do to drama that is already occurring here on wordpress.