I want to live my life, drama free or as close to it as possible. I am sorry for the actions I took and the things I did that hurt people. It was over three years ago now. I have respected your wish for NC since you asked for it, never reached out, not once. Why won’t you leave me alone? Do you have to keep making up drama? Can’t you just live your life and be happy?
I didn’t have a “normal” upbringing, I think I have made that abundantly clear in this blog already. The basic things that most people just grew up taking for granted weren’t there for me. I didn’t grow up knowing my parents loved me, I grew up hearing my vary existence made their life more difficult. I didn’t have the certainty that I was safe in my house, instead I would wake up to strangers hovering over my bed. I wasn’t protected and cherished, I wasn’t given the same starting point as everyone else.
I was 18 years old before I was able to wake up in my own bed and know that no one was going to come in during the middle of the night or be there when I woke up in the morning. I was told not to show emotion or things would be worse for me, to this day I still don’t know how to properly show what I am feeling. I grew up hearing I was worthless and even today people who are supposed to care about me treat me as an after thought. I was taught love is conditional and only those who do as they are told will be loved, so I make myself what I think people want me to be in order to win approval.
I have no real concept of who I am, because until a few years ago I was nobody and everybody. I was a phantom who could put on a mask and be whomever you wanted. Now I am real, the ghost is gone, but I am a tiny person traded in a body that isn’t mine. I have no concept of how to be an adult because I am still just trying to learn how it is to be a human being. I was stunted but I am growing. Everyday I try to grow.
The people around me don’t understand, or see that the things that seem to come so easily for them are difficult for me. Sometimes I wish I had Autism or Down Syndrome, some label that I could give so people would understand that I don’t experience life the way they do. It’s all new and scary and just being there is a huge effort for me. Instead I am met with disdain, my efforts scorned and laughed at and I am left wondering why do I even bother. How is this better than being the phantom?
The sad conclusion I reached today is….what if this is how it will always be? What if I will spend my life trying to connect, to be more than I am, and keep getting shoved down? Is that my role in this life? To be on the inside looking out? Trapped inside a tiny box, locked away from any real life.
It’s things like this that make me wonder why I should even bother, if everything I do just fails in the end anyways.