So I was checking out a blog I follow – “Being her” – which is written by a woman who is going through some of the same stuff I am or have gone throigh (check out her blog but fair warning her blog is about an affair in which she was the other woman). So reading an entry I came across a comment, the comment was innocent nominating the writer for a blogging award, it was the bloggers name that struck me, “daddysverynaughtylittlegirl” okay so this name isn’t innocous or innocent but I doubt anyone else quitebhad the reaction to the name I did. I didn’t click on her name so I am assuming the daddy in her blog is just a pseudonym rather than factual. At least I hope so.
I doubt many reading that name or that blog would feel an initial rush of terror, that sinking felling of panic as your stomach jumps into your throat and you think you might pass out or be sick. Next came the flashback, where I am seeing the whole thing though this misty blue fog that makes me feel I am suffocating. The sensation of big hands on my frightened child body. Pain, panic and a sickening feeling of excitement. It sounds sick and wrong but its all twisted up in years of programming made me want to please him I was trained to make him happy no matter what. No one said no to my dad, no matter what he wanted.
So next there is this fucked up feeling of guilt because I never told him no, did I encourage him? Is it all my fault that I am like this? I am making huge steps to mental health but there is stuff underneath that I don’t know how to bring up. Things I am embarrassed to tell my therapist about. How do you tell someone that you fucked up history of child abuse left you with a daddy fetish. Its not real, my father is dead and what he did to me was horrific but I end up with men who are like him. Either too old for me, eg the Married Man I had an affair with was 20 yrs older than me,or the lawyer I had a thing for who was 18 yrs older. Then there are thebones who had the crazy ass anger issues that I fled states to get away from, or the ones who wantdd to use me for sex and things. I let it all happen, wanted it and maybe even needed it.
It makes you wonder about the power of words, to drudge up all of this just from a few words on a screen. It has me all up in knots, luckily I have a therapy session tomorrow.