Been a long while

I haven’t posted in years! Why? Because I lost my login info and this account is tied to an e-mail I don’t use anymore.

Haven’t heard anything from my stalker in a while and really who cares anyways. Let her have her little life with her liar of a husband. I have a bigger life now than I did before and even now that I have become chronically ill, my life is still full and I am happy.

The lies

My stalker, who some of you may have guessed, is the wife of the man I had an affair with. An affair that ended years ago, but is still haunting me to this day. Parts of it should still haunt me, but the fact that it’s 4 years later and she is still coming up with new lies to tell people, telling people things to get attention. That part is the worst part. The newest lie is posting on her own journal about a baby she lost and talking about a cancer scare she had supposedly because I gave her HPV. Problem is she already had that cancer and had an ova-hysterectomy before I even met her husband. Not having a uterus kinda makes it hard to have had a baby die. Lying to your husband about a disease you don’t have to make he feel sorry for you and to make me look evil is just horrible. Trying to get sympathy from people after you read about my own miscarriages and can’t bare for me to be anything but a monster. Those things make you at least as bad as me.

I would be more angry except I know all the lies your husband told you, the lies he still tells you. The two of you deserve each other. Despite what I did, the people I hurt, as least I never lied to get sympathy, you have the monopoly on that.

Sorry for the rant but this has been a long time coming and seeing that his wife wrote a horrible post filled with lies when I was mourning the death of my child, I sorta snapped.

I am sorry

I have tried to say this to you before, it did no good. I am trying again hoping that it will make a difference.

I am sorry I put myself in your life and in your marriage. I am sorry your children were hurt by my actions. Words can’t express how deeply I wish I could take it all back.

I am begging you, please stop writing about me and to me. This is effecting my health and my mental state.

I promise not to post anything about you anymore or to you…though I may still post about after effects of the affair. Please I really cant havr more days like this.

Get it right

Dear (crack) pot,

You talk about how little life I have, but how in the hell would you know what I do with my time if you weren’t checking up on me just as I do you? I have made exactly 2 posts about you or your husband in the whole time since I made the stupid mistake of getting involved with your spouse. How many posts have you made about me? How many lies have you told people, embellishments and obscuring the time frame of events in order to get attention and sympathy?

It’s been 3.5 years (not 4) and I haven’t attempted contact with either of you in that time. Yes I read your posts on various sites (like you did in order to know I was reading yours) the reason I do this is cause I am keeping track of how often your story changes (I have screen caps of every post you have ever made on the site), just in case you want to try to spread lies again to the police. Do you realize your own inconsistencies in your story? You have at least 3 profiles on the site and can’t keep up your story on any of them. How many times is it that your husband and I slept together? You have claimed once, twice, and more. You have claimed it was all protected, never, and a combination there of. I would advise you worry about your own story, rather than what I am doing with my life.

As to your comments about my life. I left my ex, not the other way around, and I did it cause he was an abusive asshole. If you meant my current partner, he isn’t a fuck buddy, we will be married in a few months and are actively trying to have a baby. I have a life I am happy with. I am sorry I hurt you and yours, please live your life and stop trying to reach out to me.


the kettle

Just want peace

I want to live my life, drama free or as close to it as possible. I am sorry for the actions I took and the things I did that hurt people. It was over three years ago now. I have respected your wish for NC since you asked for it, never reached out, not once. Why won’t you leave me alone? Do you have to keep making up drama? Can’t you just live your life and be happy?

sad conclusion?

I didn’t have a “normal” upbringing, I think I have made that abundantly clear in this blog already. The basic things that most people just grew up taking for granted weren’t there for me. I didn’t grow up knowing my parents loved me, I grew up hearing my vary existence made their life more difficult. I didn’t have the certainty that I was safe in my house, instead I would wake up to strangers hovering over my bed. I wasn’t protected and cherished, I wasn’t given the same starting point as everyone else.

I was 18 years old before I was able to wake up in my own bed and know that no one was going to come in during the middle of the night or be there when I woke up in the morning. I was told not to show emotion or things would be worse for me, to this day I still don’t know how to properly show what I am feeling. I grew up hearing I was worthless and even today people who are supposed to care about me treat me as an after thought. I was taught love is conditional and only those who do as they are told will be loved, so I make myself what I think people want me to be in order to win approval.

I have no real concept of who I am, because until a few years ago I was nobody and everybody. I was a phantom who could put on a mask and be whomever you wanted. Now I am real, the ghost is gone, but I am a tiny person traded in a body that isn’t mine. I have no concept of how to be an adult because I am still just trying to learn how it is to be a human being. I was stunted but I am growing. Everyday I try to grow.

The people around me don’t understand, or see that the things that seem to come so easily for them are difficult for me. Sometimes I wish I had Autism or Down Syndrome, some label that I could give so people would understand that I don’t experience life the way they do. It’s all new and scary and just being there is a huge effort for me. Instead I am met with disdain, my efforts scorned and laughed at and I am left wondering why do I even bother. How is this better than being the phantom?

The sad conclusion I reached today is….what if this is how it will always be? What if I will spend my life trying to connect, to be more than I am, and keep getting shoved down? Is that my role in this life? To be on the inside looking out? Trapped inside a tiny box, locked away from any real life.

It’s things like this that make me wonder why I should even bother, if everything I do just fails in the end anyways.


I have no idea why I am writing this, but I have to tell someone, get this out of me.

I feel like I am losing it, all day long I shift back and forth between panic and mind numbing depression. I can’t go outside anymore, I hardly leave my room. I have dreams about hurting myself. I just want to be sane, to stop hurting but I am losing my grip on reality.

I started losing time again, I was integrated for the better part of two years, maybe it was all a lie though. Maybe my existence is a lie. I just don’t know what to do anymore.